I have been completely out of it this entire month. We have had such high hopes for the year of 2008 and at this point I cannot help but feel like I have entered the new year in zombie mode. For the past few weeks I have woken up feeling like I have just put my head on the pillow. Exhausted, I have picked up the habit of rolling out of bed and immediately putting on my slippers...and not wanting to take them off...ever. In fact, the picture above is in reference to this daily occurrence. In this instance I was so reluctant to get out of my slippers and put on my shoes that I ended up packing my shoes along to the cafe with the intention of changing in to them later. Never happened. I spent the entire day in my Uggs while my tennis shoes spent the entire day here, beneath the oven. At first I sort of liked this image. It kind of made me realize, "Hey, wait. This is our kitchen. I can do whatever I want in it." Never before have I have the authority to just leave something unattended to for so long in a kitchen. Never before had a kitchen actually been my kitchen. So I allowed myself to have a sort of it's my party and I'll cry if I want to moment.
And so the shoes sat unattended to and beneath the oven for over a week or so. Until Evan finally had enough and moved them to the basement. After awhile I started to realize that opting for slippers over tennis shoes really had little to do with authority and more to do with the state of things in my life. These shoes taking up real-estate in an already cramped and (at times) disorganized kitchen was just shy of pathetic. And let's face it, sheepskin and suede aren't really conducive to commercial cooking. And then it hit me: Man, I'm exhausted. I am physically here nor there and mentally brain-dead. Didn't we just get off from vacation? Sheesh, how did it get to this point?
Well, it didn't take me too long to figure out how I got myself into this situation. Where have I been? Why am I so tired? Well, I can answer those question very easily. I have been planning a wedding. More specifically, I have been planning our wedding. We have spent 7 years together in complete and seemingly effortless bliss. Why ruin that peacefulness with a wedding? At first it felt like something we were more interested in doing for our families; to give them a sense of closure on the matter. To do as they did and what their parents had done before them, to come together and commemorate the relationship in front of others. And so the planning or un-planning began. Before we were engaged I always felt that Evan and I would have a very simple wedding. Very few frills. No bells. No whistles. Just me, him and our families. Once engaged we pictured an intimate June destination wedding in Telluride. Not only did we see this as an opportunity to spend time with our loved ones in a location that was very special to us but could there be a better excuse to go on vacation?
When this first started other brides told me that in the end I would want exactly the opposite of what I wanted now. That the nonconformist will end up with the most traditional wedding, and the super traditionalist will either end up eloping or wishing they had. Us? We were somewhere in the middle. Super tight-knit, close family, not super-religious but certainly spiritual, questioning the necessity of a "lawful marriage." Neither of us have ever felt the need for a piece of paper to determine or official-ize our love and commitment to one another. But as time went on and scheduling conflicts arose, and we realized just how many people are dear to us and us to them, a nine person celebration all of the sudden started to feel wrong. And so our plans changed yet again and the process of planning a larger and somewhat "more traditional" wedding began. This process (keyword here is process versus the word "task") I have found completely rewarding as well as emotionally draining. As my dad continues to say, "hopefully you only do this once."
And with that in mind I have set out to create a day that truly speaks to who Evan and I are and what are relationship is about. In the end my dream is for our day to be a grand celebration reflecting the love of two people who met each other when they were children and instantly became friends; who always chose friendship first over a relationship; who endured 4 years separated by distance; whose love surpassed state lines and international boarders; who adore food as much as they adore each other; and who are fortunate enough to have the love and support of some amazing people around them.
Thus far, I have basically realized that no matter how intimate and small you envision your celebration, there are still hundreds details to consider and tackle. And So...this month, in addition to redesigning and rewriting the cafe's entire menu, making new soups daily, and mastering the ultimate Banana Pudding Ice Cream recipe, I have been:
- Making guest lists
- Designing invitations
- Interviewing and booking venues, florists, photographers, and bands
- Finding my dress, aka "The One"
- Working with caterers to create our ultimate dinner menu
- Etc., etc., etc. This list really could be and is quite a bit longer but I will spare you from the details as even I am getting to the point of saying, "Whatever. I just don't care."
In the meantime I have officially made a promise to myself, no more slippers in the kitchen. Maybe I'll save them for walking down the aisle.
Last but not least I cannot continue thinking or writing about this event or end this post without a huge shout-out to my sister, dear sister, Tara. For whom without I think I might be dis-engaged and/or in a mental treatment facility. Your love, guidance, care packages, and ever-faithful opinions have been my lifesaver over this past month. You are amazing, I love you to infinity and beyond, and I will never stop being to grateful that I was granted a sister like you in this life.